I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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