I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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