I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
