We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
