I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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