Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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