My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
