I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
