You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
