I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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