So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
