Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
