Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
