FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
