Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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