At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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