he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
