She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
