Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
