If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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