Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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