On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
