By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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