where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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