In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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