Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
