I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
