You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
