If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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