I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
