i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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