So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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