It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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