My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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