things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
