My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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