i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
