BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
