I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
