Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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