I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You ate ashes out of my bong
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
