hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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