I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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