I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
