I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
birth control should be required to get into college
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
