she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
