he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
