We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
