hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
