I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
